Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.