no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
a lot to unpack here
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William