No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
if a cop pulls u over play dead