No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Harsh but fair
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*weighs self after shaving
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”