No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
How can I say no to this ?
