No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
mariah carrie
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Bobby pin
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King