Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab