Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.