no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
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BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
accurate
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Basically, any European coat of arms:
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.