No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Whoa 😂
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Not today, today.
Not today.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Risking my life for fun.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer