No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me checking my bank balance online.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons