No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
