Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

I just ran a .003048K

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management