Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”