Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?