Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

🙄

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.