no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.