Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Not all heroes wear capes….

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

This forever.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.