Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

😩😩😩

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.