Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.