No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐