No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.