No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Kermit goes Blue.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
getting seasonal up in here
