Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

👍

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.