no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Good morning.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Good morning
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying