no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.