Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying