no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
