*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
You Might Also Like
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”