Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

How it started How it’s going

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.