Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

This kid is going places

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

LOL

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.