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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I drew y’all a little something.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Oh the world we live in…
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.