No one:
London landlords:
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The First Farmer
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.