No one:
London landlords:
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?