No one:
London landlords:
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early