No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Never deleting this app.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.