No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.