No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these