Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

We will use anything but the metric system

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

<- sleeps well with others

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

My Plans 2020

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us