Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Be vigilant

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON