No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.