Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Born to be mild.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?