Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers