Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

finally found a reasonable question

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.