Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Fun Things

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

*puts my mental health in rice

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive