Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru