Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.