Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t