Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Can confirm.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.