Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Just a bush.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name