I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.