no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all