“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
