“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping