Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”