“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.