“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Don’t touch that.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.