No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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We found love in a hopeless place.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
is losing your mind a hobby?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.