No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.