No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black