No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Don’t frighten the programmers!
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.