Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.