No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
