No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
You Might Also Like
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge