No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
it must be school picture day
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!