Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

It’s a gift

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.