No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
