No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
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*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.