No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
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Hello, my name is Pierre.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.