Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

WTF

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol