No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Ok but actually
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do