Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.