Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.