Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Wait a minute

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

I’m tired tomorrow.

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.