No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
shampoo implies shampee
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.