“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.