“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.