“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.