“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
August 8
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk